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Winning at the Game of Love
by Katy Khakpour, 425 Magazine, May / June 2008
Snoqualmie Dating Coach Shares Strategy
It seems that by now, with all of their cultural and sociological advances, thanks to science and technology, we could have made significant strides in handling relationships. Yet it appears we may have taken some steps backward in order to move ahead.
Our grandparents' and some of our parents' generations relied on matchmakers and family ties to bring about wedded bliss, but now, even in the cradle of the tech world, we need help to navigate one of life's most precarious challenges: finding love and romance. To take on this battle, we now have dating coaches; Seattle has one, and not to be outdone; so does the Eastside.
Enter Katherin Scott of Snoqualmie, a certified life coach who found the area of romance far more fascinating than helping folks update their resumes. Scott is also a body language expert, an advanced clinical hypnotherapist and a Feng Shui specialist. She is also an author. Her book, "Dating Success Made Easy: Simple Strategies to Find Love," is about to be published.
But "dating success made easy" may be a phrase to which many single women in King County say, "Ha!" Maybe that's because the highest rate of single, professional women living alone in the U.S. happens to be in King County. "This is a crazy place to date," Scott says.
"We have Third Place Books, Starbucks, we have these places where people meet, so [we say] "I don't really have to know you and you don't have to know me, but we can say we're great friends," she said, "We have the illusion of intimacy, this illusion of friendship here . I think it's because we have a very well-educated and very capable base of men and women." People tend to believe they don't need each other.
where to begin?
Scott gets started by listening to her clients. Her basic Dating 101 package includes four, one-hour phone interviews, one per week for a month. This allows Scott to hear how people view themselves and their relationships. She gets them to think intentionally about who they are, what kind of relationship they want and who they want to have it with - all eventually with the hopes of securing a romance that will last.
The foremast priority for her clients is to create a "dream mate" list. Men and women's lists tend to vary greatly - no big shocker.
"For men, I have them get very clear on the physical attributes they're looking for, because believe it or not, they're not shallow, it's how they're wired," she said. "They have to be physically attracted, they cannot grow it . even though many try."
Step two is choosing "heart qualities,' such as kindness, generosity, showing appreciation, being trustworthy and so on. It's followed up by the "qualities of her mind" which naturally includes intelligence and wisdom.
"Recognize that a man is not going to ask a woman about her career, because he doesn't really care - he's imagining her naked. "That's how he's wired," Scott says.
The order for a woman's "dream mate" list is completely flipped. Scott explained that dating rituals haven't evolved much from caveman (or cavewoman!) days. "Can he hunt down the saber tooth tiger and bring it and bring it home for dinner to the family?" she adds.
Women should start off with mind qualities, and then add heart qualities. "And then - and only then - should she grow in love with his physical attributes," Scott says. "If a woman is over-the-top hot for a guy from the get-go . he is typically a bad boy. We're not looking for a bad boy; we're not looking for a doormat. We're looking for a good man who can get bad," Scott says.
Scott emphasizes that the lists are critical. Once made, it's important to dissect the keywords so you know exactly what you mean by them. "By doing this written dream mate list in the proper order; re are re-programming the reticular activating system (center of arousal and motivation) of the brain to see it," Scott says. Her goal of this exercise is to help you be able to pre-qualify or disqualify a potential mate within five minutes.
start fresh
Both sides in the dating battle struggle due to preconceived notions. "I deal with a lot of very successful presidents, vice presidents of technology companies and engineering companies where they themselves believe they're a great catch - and they are," Scott says. "But they don't know how to approach a woman. They don't know how to sustain a relationship. They don't know how to be anything other than a wuss or a doormat.
"Quite frankly, that does not attract a woman," she says. "They don't have techniques, they don't know what to do and they have no confidence.
"These men are so hurt. They've been rejected. They've been stomped on, [and] they've been told they're shallow because they want physical attributes," Scott continues.
"It's really tough for a guy to come up to a woman, especially in Seattle with all these very successful women and be vulnerable and say, "Hey, I think you're attractive. I'd like to get to know you better."
Women have the same kind of struggles - not knowing what to do. Again Scott has an answer. "Women should be comfortable making an approach to a man - once," she says emphatically. "And the reason I say once - and only once - is [because] you tell a man you're interested, then back off and become the queen and allow him to become the king and pursue.
"If a woman pursues and pursues and pursues the man, it kind of puts him down into the stable boy realm and you become the maid servant and now the relationship has changed," Scott says.
For women, the additional challenge surrounds our society's fluid attitude toward sex. "If he buys me coffee, I'll have to have sex with him," is what many of Scott's female clients tell her. "What are you thinking people?" she says. "Allow yourself to be taken care of and to be honored."
The secret to dating success is simple awareness. The more you know about each other, the better. But perhaps even more important is understanding who you are.
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The Singles File: Dating Coach Katherin taps into heart, mind and soul
by Diane Mapes, Special to the P-I, October, 10, 2007
Katherin Scott coaches a single Seattle P-I journalist to find love.
The phone call came just as I was cleaning out my sock and underwear drawers, one of those weird nesting rituals women go through every year (or three) without fail.
"Hi, Diane," said a lively voice on the other end of the line. "It's Katherin Scott, the dating coach."
For an instant, I pictured a woman in a baseball cap and cleats, chawing gum in a dugout, but that was just my literal brain at work again. I knew that dating coaches were one of the newest players to join the looking-for-love lineup, an arbitrary (and upbeat!) mix of wingman, style guru and therapist, depending on the quirks and qualifications of whomever you happened to tap.
I also knew that dating coaches charged anywhere from $125 an hour to $10,000 a weekend and that, according to a recent article in The New York Times, there were tons of them out there (not too surprising since the field was, as the Times put it, "largely unregulated").
Yes, I knew well what coaching looked like from the stands. What I didn't know was what it felt like from the bench. Would they try to hook me up with some secret crush like Will Smith in "Hitch"? Teach me how to dress, decorate and whip up a to-die-for crab cake a la "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"? Would they realign my dating chakras? Bust my chops for bad dating habits (like, um, keeping a Rolodex full of business cards from men I've never called).
Their methods seemed as mysterious as love itself.
I soon found out Seattle's Katherin Scott wasn't the kind of coach who took you out to bars or told you to immediately spring for veneers and a new leather couch. Instead, she focused on "empowering people to find love and happiness."
Her Web site, MakingLoveWork4U.com, included an impressive roster of coaching credentials and made mention of dream mate lists, meeting emotional needs, and feng shui, an approach that seemed far more woo-woo than wingman.
Of course, to me, drinking tea and using words like "empowering" also were pretty woo-woo. In my family, personal growth is not something you see a professional about -- unless it starts to itch.
"You begin by writing a dream mate list so you can get clarity about what you want," Katherin told me as we started our pseudo session (she usually charges $140 for an hour's worth of advice -- take that, 1-900-HOT-TALK -- but agreed to walk me around the bases while I interviewed her). "When you write down your goals, you accomplish your goals."
The problem was, I didn't know exactly what my goals were. I've never really been one of those sappy soul mate types, convinced there's one and only one person out there to marry and make my life complete (what, was everybody else just batting practice?). My life felt pretty complete as is, even though I had to admit it might be nice to find someone to go to the movies and make out with, though not necessarily at the same time.
I confessed as much to Katherin and she suggested I might want to try something called mind-mapping, which involved writing down all the mind and heart qualities I found attractive in a man.
Before long, I had a couple of pages filled with scribbled notes: smart, kind, quick wit, articulate, self-deprecating, media savvy, playful, trustworthy, confident, quirky, loving nature, good speller, some college, no guns. Despite the fact I wasn't one of those "sappy soul mate types," I apparently had been systematically compiling quite the impressive little shopping list.
I was both horrified and humbled.
Coach Katherin then began to talk about how I could use my mind-maps to qualify or disqualify the men that I met while out and about each day.
"You're looking for someone who reads, watches TV, who's smart and who's current," she said. "So you need to come up with a conversational question that will help you determine if the person you're sitting next to at the coffee shop has the same type of intelligence that you're looking for. How about something like, 'What books are you reading these days?' "
To be honest, it was just the type of contrived question I usually asked men, which told me two things: No. 1, I just might be intuitively doing this stuff on my own and, No. 2, I might want to start charging my friends $140 an hour for dating advice.
From there, Coach Katherin took me through a slew of other secret stratagems to figure out how I could go about connecting with my perfect partner, whether for the short, medium or long haul.
"It's about defining what you want," she told me. "If you're just looking for someone to go to the movies and make out with, that's OK. You just need to own it."
We organized my five love languages (Visual C++ was not one of them). We discussed different venues where I might find potential candidates (Katherin suggested bookstore readings, dining clubs, historical walking tours, and other egghead haunts).
And then we moved on to feng shui.
"Do you have your bed pushed up against the wall?" she asked me. "Do you only have only one nightstand instead of two?"
"Yeah," I said, swallowing hard. "Is that bad?"
"Your bedroom is set up for one person," she said. "You need to set it up so there's room for someone else. Otherwise -- no sex for you!"
We chatted a bit more and then I hung up and went back to cleaning out my dresser drawers, realizing as I sifted through the bras and black trouser socks piled on the bed that the whole coaching concept wasn't really all that woo-woo. It was basically just sorting through the sock and underwear drawer of your life, giving yourself a chance to review and reassess, to figure out what you needed, what you'd outgrown, what felt more comfortable at this stage of the old ballgame.
I'd certainly found an awful lot of missing mates just by focusing 10 minutes on my sock drawer. Would the same thing happen if I started focusing that kind of attention on my love life?
I wasn't sure, but I figured there was no harm in thinking about it. Or, just for good measure, moving the dang bed away from the wall.
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A Dating Coach Helps Singles Sharpen Their Game
by Lindsey Rowe, Seattle Magazine, February 2007
COACH CUPID - Katherin Scott helps singles successfully navigate the dating game
Two years ago on Valentine's Day, Seattle dating coach Katherin Scott found herself in Las Vegas watching three of her clients joyously tie the knot in the Elvis Wedding Chapel. Moments like these are the reason sociable Scott left a management job at Boeing in 2001 to create a business out of giving people dating and relationship advice. "Everyone needs someone in their life to grow and be fulfilled," she says, speaking with the warmth that allows her clients to candidly share their dating successes and failures.
Business professionals make up the biggest part of her client base, says Scott, who has been called upon by local and national media (including Cosmopolitan and Maxim) to her expertise. Typically, they want the growth and fulfillment that comes from relationships, but don't have the time to date, and may not even know what they want in a partner. One client brought a briefcase full on yellow legal pads filled with mate requirements, but Scott made him throw it all out. After she led him through personality assessments and coaching sessions, he rewrote his list. Once he understood what he was looking for, he discovered that his future wife was someone he already knew from his office.
He's a perfect example of why singles stay single, she says: They don't know themselves or what they want in others. But once they do, Scott helps them create a conversational question to determine if a date fulfills a non-negotiable requirement - such as a shared faith in God or passion for the outdoors - in five minutes or less.
Scott, who offers weekend seminars, online classes, singles events and a website (http://www.MakingLoveWork4U.com), went through her own personal rediscovery when she divorced and reentered the dating world. And come this Valentine's Day, she may not be with Elvis, but she certainly won't be alone.
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True Love Magazine Interviewed Coach Katherin
TL: Do you think that being optimistic and having a positive attitude
about being single helps when everyone else seems to be getting
married or coupled up? Does attitude have an impact on the way
we feel? KS: Attitude is everything! What you think about expands and
becomes your reality. If all you can think about is poor me, I'm
so sad because I'm not married - who's going to want to date that
sad, self-absorbed person? No one! Be positive and optimistic.
You will shine and people will be drawn to you - especially single men! TL: Do you think it's a bad thing for women to basically put their life
on hold until they meet a man or get engaged? You know, like maybe
a woman really wants to buy a house, but wants to wait to get married
so she can do it with a man or maybe not taking vacations because
she's waiting for someone special to share it with. Are these women
letting their life pass them by? KS: Live your life with vision while you're single, without putting your life on hold waiting for a relationship to happen. The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy, successful single person living the life that you really want. Pursue your goal of a relationship while living life fully, in the present, and letting go of your attachment to future outcomes.
TL: Is it OK for women to be picky? People are always telling us that we
should give that certain guy a chance because we're getting older, etc.
What do you think about this? KS: Yes - be picky. And be smart! Don't have a list of 100 things you
want in a mate. Instead, use that list to narrow down your desires into
your top 5 non-negotiable requirements; your must-have's. Have
conversational questions that you can ask to quickly pre-qualify or
dis-qualify a potential match. Never settle for a partner who doesn't
meet your top 5 must-have's. It will only lead to resentment, compromise
&/or heartache. And - by being selective, you are showing people that you aren't desperate.
Understand the Law of Attraction and the power of the sub-conscious mind.
If you believe there aren't any good men left - there won't be.
If you believe that there are plenty of wonderful available men, then that
will be your reality. TL: What should women do when their overbearing friends and family are
always giving them a hard time about being single or always trying to fix her
up or saying things like "how can a pretty girl like you not be married yet?" KS: I'm sure your friends and family are well-meaning. However, the
reason people can get away with saying things like "what's wrong with you
that you're not married?" is because we teach people how to treat us.
Have clear boundaries. Be assertive. Maybe your poor communication
skills and lack of assertiveness also reflect your behavior when dating.
Let people know you are happy being single AND you are open to sharing
your life with a partner. TL: Don't be desperate!! Do you think that women are better off not
acting desperate and trying to race to the alter to fit in with family and
friends? Desperation seems to cause a lot of women to act irrationally.
What do you think about this? KS: Single men can sense a desperate woman a mile away - and they will
run for the hills when a desperate woman comes too close. Men aren't
looking for someone to take care of. They are looking for a woman who
can add value to their life - and he can add value to hers. Regardless of the reason for her desperation - her biological clock ticking
or the lonely women who needs someone in her life to make her feel
"complete" - desperate women repel men. A healthy man is looking for a
healthy woman to share his life with, not a "project" to fix. Besides, how is racing to the alter to "fit-in" going to create a happy,
fulfilled partnership that will stand the test of time? It won't. It will only
get you married quickly - and maybe even divorced just as quickly.
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Coach Katherin was interviewed on the topic of Dating Advice for a "crisp" Q&A on Nerve.com which posted May 17, 2007
Q: Dinner and a movie is so overdone. What are some creative dating ideas?
KS: Take a class together - cooking, candle or soap making, massage for couples. Or go to a Comedy Club. And my favorite - workout together; go to the gym or yoga class and sweat together.
Q: What should you do if your date refuses to let you pay for the bill?
KS: Say "Thank You!"
Q: What are your thoughts about sex on the first date?
KS: Just say "No". If you know for sure your date is not THE ONE for you and you're feeling horny then go for it. But, don't expect this to blossom into a
meaningful relationship.
Q: Should you trust first impressions of a person, or delay judgment and wait a while to find out more?
KS: Always trust your first impression. That said - if you're so nervous when you first meet, you probably aren't tuned-in to yourself. In that case, give it a
second glance.
Q: Why can't I ever get past a first date? How do I hook up for seconds?
KS: Either you're making bad date choices or you come across as the needy type. Build your self-confidence and expect a second date.
Q: My friend just broke up with his girlfriend, and I think she is very attractive. When is it appropriate for me to start making the moves on her?
KS: Never. Women (and men) come and go but friends are forever.
Q: I've been dating two guys at the same time and having lots of fun. How can I ensure that I keep these relationships going for as long as possible without either of them finding out?
KS: You did say "dating" and not "sleeping with" - right? Until you have the conscious conversation about being exclusive, there's no need to be. Just don't call him Chuck when his name is Marty!
Also, don't bring them to the same venues. That'll reduce the odds of running into the other guy.
Q: How can I be honest without being off-putting when I'm posting an online personal ad?
KS: Always keep your profile positive - talk about what you DO want. That's the best filter online.
Q: How can I use body language to seduce my date?
KS: Gently caress the area surrounding their eyes with your eyes, then lean gently forward, tilt your head, look directly into their eyes and smile "knowingly". Works every time!
Q: What's the best way to ask someone about their sexual history?
KS: With your clothes on. And be specific. It's none of your business how many people they've been with. Your concern is about what STD's they picked-up along the way.
Q: I'm very attracted to someone but I don't want to make the first move. In what ways can I show that I'm interested without being too explicit?
KS: Use your words. Tell them how much you enjoy being with them. Add, flirt, flirt, flirt!
Q: My date came over to my apartment after dinner but I don't want it to go any further tonight. How do I make it clear that I want to take things slow without making them feel rejected?
KS: Let them know how much they turn you on and that you aren't quite ready to seal the deal. And let them know you're worth the wait!
Q: What are some absolute "dont's" when it comes to setting up a seduction scene?
KS: Don't be a copy-cat. Set the scene to showcase the two of you, not what you've seen on TV.
Q: I'm ready to share my kinky sexual habits with my new partner, but I'm scared she'll be freaked out. Any advice?
KS: Unveil one habit at a time - besides, it'll be more fun that way. And, be accepting if their answer is "No thanks".
Q; I've been seeing this guy online for a while. We want to have cyber-sex. Any tips for an enjoyable first time?
KS: Keep it light and fun. Use lots of "visual" words and let go of the outcome.
Q: I just moved to a new city. How do I break into the dating scene?
KS: Jump in with - my favorite - Speed Dating! It's great to have 10 dates in one evening.
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New Year's Resolutions
by Christine Chen, KONG 6/16 TV, January 4, 2006
Did YOU make a New Year's Resolution?
What if your resolution was to learn something new? Christine Chen interviewed Katherin Scott:
CC: Why should people even want to learn something new?
KS: There are many benefits to learning something new:
-- Keeps you mind active. "Use it or lose it."
-- Makes life fun. Just think of all of the fun classes, ideas, and people there are to learn about.
-- Good for your social life. Imagine how many interesting people you will meet and spend time with.
-- Helps every aspect of your life. Learn about how to improve your relationships, make more money, start a hobby, learn a trade, try a new sport, expand your spirituality, or improve your health.
CC: Why is it so difficult for people to follow through on this resolution?
KS: People make too many resolutions and their resolutions are too big and overwhelming.
-- Did you pick 20+ things to accomplish this year?
-- Did you decide to improve dozens of areas in your life?
Good luck! Too many New Year's Resolutions will overwhelm you.
CC: So, how do you stick with it to see the resolution through?
KS: Here's How!
-- Keep it simple! Choose only 1-3 things to learn or accomplish. When those are finished, choose 1-3 additional. Any more is too much and you won't do any if there are too many or you feel overwhelmed.
-- Get a friend to do it with you. This creates accountability - and more fun!
-- Focus on it. Put it in your schedule - in pen! Put a reminder on your refrigerator, on your mirror, on your dashboard in your car. Send a voice mail to yourself telling yourself WHY this is important to you.
-- Take ONE action step. Take another and then another. Small steps lead to big changes!
CC: How do I decide WHAT to learn?
KS: Get to know yourself.
-- What is important to you? What have you always wanted to BE, DO, and HAVE? Those are your clues.
-- Ask yourself "What has to happen to take my life to a "10" - an ideal life?"
CC: You say you must learn something new about yourself before deciding what to learn. How?
KS: Know your Learning Style.
-- Do you prefer reading a book? Listening to CD's?
-- Do you have more fun taking a class in person?
-- Do you learn quicker with "hands-on"?
CC: What are some different ways to learn?
KS: Here are some examples. Choose what works best for you.
-- Books and eBooks
-- CD's (Are you a member of "Car University" learning in your car while you drive?)
-- DVD's
-- Teleseminars and Webinars
-- In person classes and eClasses online
-- Computer Based Learning - interactive.
-- Talk to an expert
-- Read articles and online
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